Revelation

Today I decided that Shakespeare is better than porn.

Jesus

Hey today was that day with Jesus when he wasn't by the rock or something
I didn't get candy though

Unemployment

I think I might lose my job soon. The management has been complaining that so many people just come into the store to get my autograph and then leave without buying anything. I told them, maybe they should start selling merchandise with my face and/or name on it, and they said something stupid. Their loss, man.

Fuckin chicken pot pie, man.

You had it? I have, and shit, man, it's really indescribeable. No, I mean, I can't even really talk about it right now, it's just that good. I can't even bring myself to say the name again. Chicken pot pie. Well, ok, there it was, but I'm not describing it, okay? And I'm not talking about the idiot restaurant version either, I'm talking about the good ol' Kentucky brand that comes from Granny's kitchen. She's fuckin punk for an old lady, I'll tell you that much, especially with that chicken pot pie. You know I got all my awesome genes from her. And from all my other relatives. That's why my genetic awesome total is 100%.

I got in a drag race in Fort Wayne

I was stopped at a light and a decked-out dudemobile next to me revved its engine. I looked over to see a sideburn-inflicted teenage boy. When the light turned green, I pedal-to-the-metal'd that shit. He did too, but just ended up peeling in place. Fuckin dick. Then I got lost and it took like an hour to figure out where the crap I was. And all because I went to Fort Wayne for a Josh Groban concert.

Precocious jerks:

People who capitalize the first letter of every word in every sentence. What, does that make you important? No, sir, but knowing basic grammar could help.

Fascinating

It's hard for me to go anywhere these days without being recognized.