I'm a wily polecat

Today I went to the Career Center and made an appointment to find out that I will never be able to get a job because I have a complete lack of respect for authority. So shove it, you butt.

Blog

I am at Dave Martinez's house and we are writing the screenplay that will make us famous.

Apology #1

I hereby apologize for my last post. It was uncalled for, except for the one dude who wanted more crapping. But I even apologize to that one dude. Not to make excuses, but I'd been drinking for three months and that was the first moment I could lucidly understand the concept of "sentence." So I'm sorry, okay? This is what fame can do.

All you people care about is poop.

You see that title sentence? Let's dissect it.

"All you people" must be a reference to anyone who reads the sentence and is considered a "person," most likely meaning a human being. It also does not count Neil, who wrote the sentence.

"care about," i.e. like, enjoy, are concerned with

"is," present tense.

"poop."

Does this mean that all the things you care about are crap? Or that the only thing you care about is crap? And is it the literal meaning of "poop," as in "poop"? Or "poop" as in "bullshit"?

Only time and scholars will tell.

Stuck between a rock and my fanbase

It's really nice having fans and everything, but you guys are way demanding. I don't mean that in a bad way. Fans are the lifeblood of my life, and you know that's true from the messages I write with every autograph--and none of that simple "thanks" crap either, I mean detailed letters. You know. Anyway, all's I'm saying is, you guys need to try and understand the real ME, okay? I'm not just the famed blogger whose exploits titillate fans worldwide. I'm also just plain Neil, a simple soul who enjoys sandwiches and sauces. I'm not saying I'll go on a break. God knows I need this. I'm just warning you that this might be a new leaf I've turned. Maybe from now on, my blog will be more introspective. I wrote a poem today. Maybe, when I feel up to it, I'll show you.

Someone should get on this right away

Is there a Society For People Who Hate Retarded People? How much is the membership cost? I'm just wondering.

A self-appraisal I just completed

SCORE AVG: 4.55 out of 5.0

Washington University Campus Store
Follett Values

COMMENTS:
I would like to add that this section had me confused for almost three straight minutes.

Customer Above Standard
DEFINITION: Is passionate about exceeding customer expectations.

Innovation Outstanding
DEFINITION: Is open minded, creative and solution-oriented.

Integrity Outstanding
DEFINITION: Is honest, trustworthy and ethical.

Teamwork Outstanding
DEFINITION: Is cooperative, committed to common goals and respectful of colleagues.

Accountability Outstanding
DEFINITION: Follows through on commitments.

Each and Every Associate Standard
DEFINITION: Respects the ideas and opinions of others.



Competencies
JOB KNOWLEDGE & SKILLS
COMMENTS:
I've rated myself outside the average range? Well, it's easy to know both what you are doing and what you're capable of doing when you live in your own brain.


CUSTOMER FOCUS Outstanding
DEFINITION: Understands and satisfies the needs of external and internal customers.

LISTENING Outstanding
DEFINITION: Effectively listens, responds and takes action in all verbal communication.

EFFECTIVE TEAM PLAYER Outstanding
DEFINITION: Works with others to achieve store goals.

COMMUNICATION Outstanding
DEFINITION: Effectively communicates directions, observations and concepts when speaking and in written correspondence.

WORK HABITS & ATTENDANCE Standard
DEFINITION: Makes good use of time. Follows policies and procedures. Pays attention to important details. arrives for work on time and is ready to work and adheres to work schedule.


Job Focus:
I would certainly like to add that I dress very well have have godlike grooming skills. I feel that this outward expression of my inner greatness is helpful to the company as a whole, because it shows that the store doesn't just hire any idiot--they hold out for the idiots with class.


Overall Comment:
Another good thing about me is that I refrain from gross things while in front of customers and co-workers, i.e. actions involving mucous. This makes me very personable.

I gotta wear shades

MTV's at my school today, they're probably filming and shit, and I know if I go anywhere near they'll just be all up on me, asking for interviews and all that. I'm not falling for it, okay? No more free interviews, unless it's a worthy cause or for charity. And they brought Muse with them to try and coax me down, well, you know what, Muse? Shove it.

Today is yellow day

Today I'm pushing the crest of fashion by wearing three shades of yellow.

Best book ever

I was in Borders and I found a German children's book, which, roughly translated, was called "The Mole Who Would Like to Know Who Crapped On His Head" And in the book, a mole wakes up to find crap on his head. Then he goes to all the animals he can find: "Did you crap on my head?" He asks indignantly. To which they reply: "No, I did not crap on your head, I crap like this!" And they proceed to crap, and there is a short discription of how their crap looks. Finally, someone tells the poor crap-mole, "The dog crapped on your head!" So the mole goes to the dog and craps on his head. Despite how it may sound, this isn't a very effective revenge, as the mole's crap is one small pebble of crap, whereas the dog's crap pretty much encompassed the mole's entire head.

Gilded guitar fingers

Know what scales I can do? That's right, idiots: C major, D major, and G major! You heard me. And what song can I play? Did I hear someone shout "Kemp's Jig"? Only the hits, ladies.

Butts

I think butts are hilarious. They're all cushy, and different sizes and colors sometimes. And they have buttholes in them, which are kind of gross, but also really funny. Butts are comedy gold. Naked butts are even funnier. They have two seperate hemispheres! And I read that the magazines were saying that buttcracks are sexy? No way. Good pencil holders, but not a way to get sexed. Too ugly, that's what I say, not enough butt. Either go all butt or no butt, none of this in-between stuff. No butts about it--haha!!!!!!!!!

Speaking of knifing people

I figured out how to make my 1-inch knife really work.

All you have to do is slice their achilles heel--that I can do easy with the awesome tiny knife. Then they can't run away, so you have all the time in the world to stab them as many times as necessary. Easy!

Firewater

This tubby jackass was trying to make me think he was cool yesterday. "I drank sooo much last night," he said. Yeah, fuckin congratulations, drinking is sure as hell difficult. Not many people can drink things. You should probably get a medal. Then I threatened to stab him in the temple with my tiny knife.

Consider yourself shivved

Because my school hasn't agreed to assign three+ bodyguards to protect my person, I have attatched a small, beautiful knife to a chain and I now wear it around my neck. Finally, all those times I'm pissed because I can't stab someone in the throat--gone! But don't worry, the blade's only like an inch long, so most people would survive. But they'd think twice before trying to rip out a lock of my hair for their voodoo magic! YOU HEARD!

Revelation

Today I decided that Shakespeare is better than porn.

Jesus

Hey today was that day with Jesus when he wasn't by the rock or something
I didn't get candy though

Unemployment

I think I might lose my job soon. The management has been complaining that so many people just come into the store to get my autograph and then leave without buying anything. I told them, maybe they should start selling merchandise with my face and/or name on it, and they said something stupid. Their loss, man.

Fuckin chicken pot pie, man.

You had it? I have, and shit, man, it's really indescribeable. No, I mean, I can't even really talk about it right now, it's just that good. I can't even bring myself to say the name again. Chicken pot pie. Well, ok, there it was, but I'm not describing it, okay? And I'm not talking about the idiot restaurant version either, I'm talking about the good ol' Kentucky brand that comes from Granny's kitchen. She's fuckin punk for an old lady, I'll tell you that much, especially with that chicken pot pie. You know I got all my awesome genes from her. And from all my other relatives. That's why my genetic awesome total is 100%.

I got in a drag race in Fort Wayne

I was stopped at a light and a decked-out dudemobile next to me revved its engine. I looked over to see a sideburn-inflicted teenage boy. When the light turned green, I pedal-to-the-metal'd that shit. He did too, but just ended up peeling in place. Fuckin dick. Then I got lost and it took like an hour to figure out where the crap I was. And all because I went to Fort Wayne for a Josh Groban concert.